=========================================================================== The NOT So Daily Crap We cut the cheese, so you can smell it! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- jaargang 1 ; nummer 34; oplage: 117 stuks ; prijs: donaties welkom --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hoofdredacteur: Flappie ; Redacteur/Webmaster: Radavi =========================================================================== Okee, soms plaatsen we wel eens iets waarvan je later spijt krijgt. En soms heb je er iets ingezet, wacht je een dag of 3 op antwoord, vraag je vlak voor het versturen nog aan iemand of je het wel moet doen, en dan denk je...'ach, what the heck' en laat je het er gewoon inzitten. These things happen in life. Deze krant gaat uit van het Howard Stern principe, dus is er in principe niets wat niet gepubliceerd wordt, wat ook weer niet inhoudt dat alles zomaar geplaatst wordt. Maar de reden van niet plaatsing is dan niet van persoonlijke aard, maar meer van een niet-geschikt aard. Or something... Verontschuldigingen zijn inmiddels gemaakt en (wonder boven wonder) min of meer geaccepteerd. Genoeg wimping-out, we sluiten af en geven een index want we zitten weer barstensvol met verzamelde humor. We are loosing our initial-goal.... Deef - I like to fly remote-controlled hobby planes into military bases just to see how far I can get it before they blow it up. Index: - You Might Be A Redhead If... - Joke - Maradona behaves strangely - Ask dr. Dave - Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say If He Came Back Today... - Friends without faces - Catflap - Top Ten Things Not To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date - Actual announcements from church bulletins - Gehoord/Gezien/Gelezen - Gateway 2000 Cow Kiss Service - Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ - Linda & Lisa - Freebies =========================================================================== You Might Be A Redhead If... - If you've ever had someone threaten to play "Connect-The-Dots" with your freckles... - If you hear someone shout from behind you, "Man, are you PALE!", and you turn around and it's Edgar Winter... - When looking through your childhood pictures, if someone says, "Hey! When did your family meet Opie?"... - If someone has ever lifted your arms, looking for Howdy Doody's marionette strings... - If people have ever asked you if Dave Thomas was your dad... - If you've ever been asked where your big shoes and round nose to match the "Bozo Hair" are... - When you buy suntan lotion, if your preferred SPF rating has at least 3 digits... - If you've ever been asked where Betty and Veronica are... - If someone has ever looked at your head and said, "What color is THAT?! Is that natural?"... - When you get mad, if someone has ever yelled, "Look out! They're gonna blow!"... - Every Halloween, if you have the urge to stick a lit candle in your mouth and sit on the front porch... - If anyone has ever asked you to show them your pot of gold... - If you've ever been attacked by a herd of really hungry, yet nearsighted bunnies... - When they have auditions for your church plays, if they automatically stick a pitchfork in your hand when you walk in the door... - If your first reaction is to cringe whenever you hear, "Ha, Ha, Ha, HA-A-A-A-A, Ha!!!"... - If your first appearance in shorts during the summer results in the permanent blinding of at least three people... =========================================================================== What are the four animals every woman should have? A jaguar in the garage A mink in the closet A tiger in bed And a jackass that pays for it all =========================================================================== Maradona behaves strangely BUENOS AIRES (DWPI) Former international soccer star Maradona was seen in the streets of this South American city last week, dressed in a suit and tie and acting like a gentleman. No injuries were reported. From The Daily Weekly (daily@walrus.com) - Reported by Alan Smithee =========================================================================== ASK DR. DAVE by Rev. Dr. Dave Henry Dear Dr. Dave, What exactly is a trophy wife? Signed - Bewildered It is a woman who sits around watching soap operas, infomercials, and shopping channels all day, wasting away, testing the laws of physics by gaining mass and losing energy, and she may or may not get up to put her husband's dinner in the microwave. Oops! I misread your letter -- I thought you said, "atrophy wife." "ASK DR. DAVE" is regular Monday feature of The Daily Weekly. Send questions to daily@walrus.com with "DR. DAVE" in the subject. =========================================================================== And now, 1997 PGA champion...David Letterman! ..From the Home Office in Wahoo, Nebraska... Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say If He Came Back Today... 10. "I've been dead 20 years and I still look better than Keith Richards" 9. "What do you know? -- The Jets still suck" 8. "I'm hungry -- Is there any food in my sideburns?" 7. "I can't believe I missed the McRib sandwich" 6. "Who's this 'Richard Simmons' and why's he keep trying to hug me?" 5. "I've been dead 20 years, you moron -- Of course I want fries with that!" 4. "Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up" 3. "That Letterman punk's on the T.V. -- Where's my revolver?" 2. "I haven't been dead -- I've been staring in a series on CBS" And the number one thing Elvis would say if he came back today... "Lisa Marie married who?" =========================================================================== Friends without faces We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens We all have to wonder, what this possibly means. With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze. We chat with each other, we type all our woes Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes. We wait for somebody, to type out our name We want recognition, but it is always the same. We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt In IMs we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt. We do form friendships - but - why we don't know But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow. Why is it on screen, we can be so bold Telling our secrets, that have never been told. Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind With those we can't see, as though we were blind. The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell. We all have our problems, and need someone to tell. We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust. Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names. Take this week to have fun and be sure to let those "friends without faces" know how much you appreciate them. =========================================================================== Cat Flap !! Proving again that truth can be stranger than fiction.... Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there. People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted." (Vancouver Sun, n.d. Spotter - Elizabeth Rushton) =========================================================================== Top Ten Things Not To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date 10. Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore. 9. Show me how you used to spank her. 8. Hi, I'm Hoopla69. 7. Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her? 6. I just got my license today. 5. I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature. 4. Five bucks says she's a D-cup. 3. Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches? 2. Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.' 1. So, does your wife just lay there during sex too? =========================================================================== Actual announcements from church bulletins: 1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. 2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 3. Wednesday, the ladies of the Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 4. Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. 6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 7. Next sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 8. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. =========================================================================== Gehoord/Gezien/Gelezen A 32-year-old Sacramento woman is suing a hospital because she can no longer perform oral sex to the best of her ability. The woman accused the hospital of leaving a piece of tubing in her throat after an operation in 1978. Although she coughed up the object three days later, the woman claims the incident left her with a "feeling" that something was inside her throat and "is not able to give her partner the joy and pleasure that she thinks is his due." She is asking for $100,000 in punitive damages in addition to doctor and court costs. [Sacramento, NY Post, 08-01] copyright Ovi's World of the Bizarre - http://www.ovis.com/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. =========================================================================== Gateway 2000 Cow Kiss Service Have you ever wanted to let someone know how you feel about them, but just didn't quite know what to say? Well, your dreams have finally come true with the grand opening of Gateway 2000's Cow Kiss Service. What better way to let your friends (or enemies for that matter) know that you're thinking about them than with a personalized "present" from Gateway? And the best news of all: it's free! Je vult in naar wie de attentie gestuurd moet worden, geeft aan waarom het is en waar de zoen terecht moet komen, en de gelukkige geadresseerde ontvangt een echte lekkere koeieslobber. De url: http://www.gw2k.com/interact/cowkiss/cowkiss.htm En tevens wil Deef melden dat GATEWAY2000 na veel heen en weer getrek nog steeds de rechten heeft op zijn 'soon to be returned VGF for life'. Vandaar dat deze advertentie (waar ik op attent gemaakt werd door WebWereld) meteen geplaatst werd.....en nu vraag ik me af hoeveel mensen nu weten waar ik het in vredesnaam over heb ;-) =========================================================================== Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ 10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy). 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses. 3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. Bron: Joke Of The Day =========================================================================== Linda & Lisa Na de advertentie van "Linda Radavi", was het dit keer de beurt aan ene LISA met uiteraard hetzelfde email adres. Deze keer was de advertentie wat grondiger aangepakt en werd hij op 2 verschillende websites geplaatst (www.focus-in.nl en www.cameo.nl). Probleem was dit keer echter dat Deef nog sneller dan voorheen de 2 advertenties heeft laten verwijderen. Het resultaat was dit keer dus maar magertjes (9 reacties, de vorige keer waren het er 53!). Dit kan natuurlijk ook komen door de manier waarop de advertentie is opgesteld. Mijn dank gaat uit naar de LISA-member die deze advertentie ongetwijfeld geplaatst heeft (de hele groep LISA krijgt TNSDC trouwens nu ik erover nadenk....). En ik maar denken dat we alleen maar op het amiga platform actief waren ;-) =========================================================================== Freebies Soms zit het mee, soms zit het tegen, en soms lijkt het mee te zitten maar zit het toch tegen. Verwarrend? Dat dacht ik wel. Soms zit het mee: Je doet mee aan een aantal prijsvragen en je wint Soms zit het tegen: Je doet mee aan een aantal prijsvragen en je wint niet Soms zit het mee, maar toch weer tegen: Je doet mee aan een aantal prijsvragen en je wint iets waar je niets aan hebt Oftewel, prijsvragen zijn een reflectie van het leven. Deze maand augustus was duidelijk een samenvoeging van deze drie, en daarbij ook nog eens een t-shirt maand. Het begon met de ontvangst van een bioscoop bon, daarna was het de beurt aan @USA.NET om een T-Shirt te sturen. Hierop volgend kwam er een cookbook en een vage poster. Toen was de Rabobank zo vriendelijk om maar liefst 2 t-shirts te sturen met daarbij de mogelijkheid om gebruik te maken van 2 backstage passes voor het Racism Beat It geheel. Iets waar ik dus geen gebruik van gemaakt heb. Op dit moment ligt er ergens in Rotterdam ook nog een t-shirt op me te wachten, maar heb nog geen tijd gehad om deze op te halen. Daarna waren het de mannen en vrouwen van Endemol die weer iets in het prijzenpakket hadden waar je niets aan hebt: een gratis overtocht (calais-dover-calais) voor auto en twee personen. Eerste minpunt is dat je dus eerst in Calais moet zien te komen (en dat is vanuit midden Nederland ook niet gratis). Het tweede minpunt is de geldigheid tot 31 augustus, waarbij je een week van te voren moet aanmelden dus moeten zij het op de 24 binnen hebben. En dat krijg je dan op de 19e binnen, je hebt dus zo goed als geen tijd om afspraken te maken. Maarja, dat ze niet echt slim waren bij Endemol was natuurlijk al bekend. Ze hebben een 'actie' waarbij je email lid kan worden en dan krijg je een geschenk. Inmiddels heb ik ontvangen: 1 umbro t-shirt, 1 cdrom+cdsingle, 1 jetair-cap, 2 maal een liptonice-cap en 1 maal een liptonice handdoek. Ze kijken daar namelijk niet naar dubbele adressen, alleen naar dubbele email adressen. Ik ga binnenkort kijken of ze ook gift nummer 7 op sturen. Ook zin om iets te winnen of aan te vragen? Kom eens kijken op: http://www.xs4all.nl/~radavi/secret/freebies.htm (of als je dat te veel vind om in te tikken: freebies.mypage.org) (Ja dit was een schaamteloze 'ik wil meer hits' plug ;-) =========================================================================== Deze krant verkrijgt zijn artikelen door de lezers, het web en verscheidene nieuwsbrieven danwel maillinglists. Copyright/auteursrecht bij de maker van het artikel. Indien er geen bron vermelding/auteur bij staat dan nemen wij aan dat het publiekelijk eigendom is en iedereen het kan copieren. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aanmelden/Afmelden dient te geschieden door het formulier op de huispagina (http://www.dra.nl/~tnsdc), of door een vriendelijke mail te sturen naar tnsdc@dra.nl of naar radavi@xs4all.nl Wanneer u stof voor deze krant heeft, kunt u dat ook naar de bovengenoemde email adressen toesturen. ===========================================================================